I struggled with guilt over enjoying my consulting/engineering job so much and fearing I was taking the easy, worldly road instead of the seemingly more fruitful road of teaching. I'm hard on myself and tend to think I'm supposed to do whatever is the hardest instead of what is the easiest. That pattern is evident throughout my life. Almost every decision we make for our kids has been the harder one on us but with the highest potential for long term benefit for them.
I have received some very positive feedback recently at work for modest efforts compared to the grueling efforts I put into teaching, yet teaching is such a thankless job. I spend all year begging the school to let me implement just one small change (because no one who is better equipped to do it will do it and because lack of funding is the excuse for every new idea), yet at my job where I use my strengths on a regular basis without needing to put in so much effort, I am rewarded and appreciated for nearly ever little idea I suggest. Even so, if I am seeking the approval or man or vain flattery to stroke my ego instead of seeking only to please God, then the job is bad for my heart, bad for my pride, and not what I should be doing.
So my prayer partners have been praying with me over the decision, given that I don't feel like I can do both, or certainly not do both to my standard of excellence without my family suffering as a result. My husband prefers that I be at the school, but during my years of teaching/tutoring, he has had to pull a lot of weight at home because I've been too busy with lesson plans and student events to take care of my duties as wife/mom. Today, our church published a devotion I had spent over 10 hours writing last week about wives submitting to their husbands (based on Vashti & Xerxes in Esther 1), so I know I should submit to him. Yet he hasn't insisted that I work at the school. He just wants me to keep my focus on the kids, which is wise indeed, for they will be gone before I know it, and I don't want to miss out any opportunities to sow into their hearts.
Then a wise mentor advised me to do what brings the most fulfillment, not necessarily the most happiness. That's tough because no matter where I work or serve, if I do it for the glory of God, then He will bring eternal fruit out of it, but I feel most fulfilled in relationships with others. When teaching STEM, I connect in some part with the young students, but not so much with other adults, and I much prefer to work with adults where we can talk on a deeper level - applying God's truth to critical life issues, sharpening one another as iron sharpens iron. I connect more easily with adults, but I did find some of those connections with high school & college aged students, so I know I'm supposed to work with that age in some capacity at some point, be it as a bible study leader or Sunday School teacher or just being involved with athletics programs in which my kids participate.
But the connections I have at my engineering job are different, deeper, richer, and more diverse. The practical aspects of the job make it the clear choice in the eyes of the world, and make me seem a fool to give it up, but I must always remember that man's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of God, and God's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of man.
18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”; 20 and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” (1 Corinthians 3:18-20)This particular workplace is unlike any other with the rare benefits of a relaxed, encouraging, team building environment, flexibility to manage oneself, strong support staff, opportunity to travel across the state in a consultative role meeting people from all walks of life without going too far to necessitate an overnight stay, so I'm home with my family in the evenings, an inner circle of like minded people who meet to pray for our country and our co-workers during lunch off site, a full scale health and wellness program, fun co-workers, and potential for full-time employment when the kids are older.
When I left my career to stay home with the kids full time, I never thought I could return to my original career field, given that the industry is always changing and my technological savvy has dwindled over the years, so to have the opportunity to pick back up where I left off but with more of an engineering/process improvement focus, which is more my wheelhouse, is a miracle. Part-time engineering jobs are few and far between, but with this job, I get to practically set my own hours, depending upon need and my own availability, so I've been averaging just under10 hours a week when most convenient for me. It really is the perfect scenario.
Then when my husband enrolled our son in Pop Warner football (two hour practices every day) and both kids added an extra music lesson each week, I considered how much busier the kids and I will be (not just our kids but other students I had anticipated would want to take my STEM class), I sensed the number of students available to take my STEM class would be lower this year. My own son would not have the time, and he's the reason I started the program in the first place.
So, I have been discussing other options with the administration for including STEM as part of the regular school day while adding small Olympiad type clubs for the few students who cannot get enough STEM enrichment. I committed to helping out with new programming, but I declined to continue in the all consuming role as administrator, developer, and teacher who also handled all the registrations, accounting, equipment purchasing, lab set up and clean up, marketing, facility rental, curriculum writing, etc.
My heart sunk as I considered all the fun we had last year, so I went to work today feeling conflicted. I had shared with my prayer partners the night before about how much better my relationships have become with my children...connecting on a deeper level with more mature conversations and less drama. One friend said, "Maybe your new job where you are being fulfilled (maybe she meant utilizing my God given strengths and bents) is affecting your attitude and the joy you experience in parenting." Bam! I had never considered that leaving my children to go do something outside of the home could make me a better parent, but oh how I need the escape..not every day of course, but one or two days a week makes for a nice break, and I do think about my kids while I travel to/from work or client sites. I think about ways to love them better, and I usually come home energized and happy. When I taught at the kids' school, I came home and crashed on the couch not wanting to look at another kid until I had slept at least six hours.
Then today I had the most awesome workday. I got to travel with my favorite like-minded coworker, and we shared openly about about our fears and our faith. Being politically minded in this day and age can certainly wreak havoc on the spirit as the truth of our nation's utter corruption and eminent demise is ugly indeed. As I drove, I shared so many treasures stored up in my heart. She didn't mind my rambling, though, for she was truly listening and ministering back to me. All the related scriptures I've memorized in the past came to remembrance and poured out, encouraging us both.. So much wisdom teachers and mentors have given me over the years, and life lessons I taught my STEM students came to mind just when we both seemed to need them most.
We talked a little about the Black Lives Matter movement and the all out assault on police officers kicking off a sort of civil war in our country during our drive. I tried to infuse hope into every word I spoke instead of my more typical "Obama raised this terrorist organization in our own nation to destroy us" type rants. Even though I was trying to encourage her, I was actually encouraging myself in the process and being reminded of how much I need to fill my heart with God's truth to push back so much of the negativity flooding the headlines.
When we walked into the restaurant recommended by our clients, we saw two police officers in uniform sitting with a large group of people not in uniform, but we assumed if they were eating with policemen, they were supportive of men in blue, too. I told my co-worker that I wanted to buy those policemen lunch, and she was all in. On that extremely rare occasion, I actually had some cash, just two larger bills. So I asked our waitress to put one of my large bills in with the check she brought to the police officer's table and to tell them someone wanted to say thank you to the police officers for serving, but not to let them know who. We wondered if the lady would really do it or pocket the cash. We talked like we weren't paying any attention to the police officer's table, but I think the waitress did exactly as we asked her, and she came back later, beaming about how much they appreciated it.
Then I got to thinking....those police officers and everyone at their table were white. This town we were in seemed old school and more segregated compared to where I live where white Americans are the minority. Our waitress was black. Both my business partner and I are white. She may have assumed we only appreciate white people, so I pulled out the other bill (same amount as I gave the police officers and same amount she would have pocketed had she not been trustworthy) and added that to her usual tip with a note of thanks. My friend and I were both glowing because it just feels good to bless someone. I'm not the spontaneous Random Acts of Kindness type person, though I certainly have wanted to be more aware of ways to serve others, so this was all a God thing.
I now have no money in my wallet, but my heart is so full. I don't actually bring home any money after paying taxes, giving tithes & offerings, and paying a nanny, so today was a net negative for me financially, but the internal blessings are immeasurable.
Anxieties overwhelm us when we feel like we have no control over what's happening in the world and when evil seems to be grabbing little victories. Even though we know God has won the war, the little battles sent to wake up the world to their need for Christ can make us feel beaten. But we can make a difference, pushing back hate right where we are, simply by loving others near us with simple acts of kindness and generosity. How can we be anxious when we just cheered up six hearts today with less than what a counseling session with therapist would cost?
All the way back we talked some more, and we both realized how much God had ministered to us both that day. She filled my love tank, and I think God worked through me to help her. What if I had been silent about my faith as the politically correct, and many Democrats, especially Hillary Clinton, insist? She and I never would have connected on a heart level or been able to share spiritual truths in a way that will mold our hearts not just for now but for eternity.
After work I wrote out the following notes and quotes to share with her so we can both use them as reference when either of us grow anxious or weary of the world.
The world may be broken, but He restores my soul. The world is filled with evil and corruption, but He leads His people along paths of righteousness! (Psalm 23:2-3)
Violence and wars rage around us, but He is our peace. (Isaiah 9:6, Micah 5:5, John 16:33a)
Evil seems to be winning the current battles, but He has won the war. He has overcome the world. (John 16:33b)
Rebounding Video: Imagine you are the top tennis ball, supportive like-minded friends could be the middle ball, and Christ is the basketball.
Trials befall us; loved ones leave us, friends betray us; and injustices overwhelm us, but God's love never ceases and His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Consider Daniel and Joseph who went from imprisonment or captive slave to second in command in pagan nations. Mordecai is another example with some great humor to enjoy when you consider all the many instances of irony for proud Haman. Ruth, Job, and Jonah have great rebound stories too.Any hardship or suffering we face will enable us to soar higher than we ever were before. Believe it. Claim it. See also Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." -John 10:10 -NASB
(Note: Just because Satan wants to kill and destroy does not mean that God will stop giving us abundant life. Christ has already won the victory, and nothing can snatch us out of his hands, so we much choose to live in the knowledge of that truth. We have to let the thief steal our joy. God doesn't give the spoils back to the defeated one. That's our choice.)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
(IOW, Satan may seem to win a few battles, but God has already won the war!)
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Philippians 4:8
(Note: Push out negative thoughts by filling your heart with positive truth - then there isn't any room for negativity. God gives us lots of armor in Ephesians 6 but, he gives us one offensive weapon, the sword of truth or His WORD. Conquer anxious thoughts with upper cuts, jabs, and thrusts of that might sword.)
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." Corrie Ten Boom
"I counted dollars while God counted crosses
I counted gain while He counted losses.
I counted my worth by the things gained in store,
But He sized me up by the scars that I bore.
I coveted honors, and sought for degrees.
He wept as He counted the hours on my knees.
I never knew till one day by a grave,
How vain are the things that we spend life to save.
I did not yet know, 'til a Friend from above,
Said richest is he who is rich in God's love."
(Author unknown)
[My note - nothing we lose here on earth really matters in the big picture - it's all a blip on the timeline of eternity.]
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (1 Corinthians 4:17)
“Please help me not to be so busy making a living, I forget to make a life.”
When I came home after that awesome work day, still
riding the buzz brought the random acts of
kindness, I came into the kitchen to find the kids working
together...on their own initiative...happily preparing one of my
favorite meals from scratch for dinner so I would not have to cook after
a long but fruitful work day. Random acts of kindness are contagious
and bring healing to the soul, so let's keep the RAK virus spreading
across America where it is needed most.
Parenting Discovery: If kids see what you deem as a chore as a form of
creative play and the decision to do that task is their own idea with
the freedom to make whatever they want instead of being told to cook
something you specify for dinner, then it isn't a chore they complain
about, but rather, a fun project to enjoy - TOGETHER!
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