My favorite parenting stage so far has been adolescence. I love that my daughter is at an age now where we can discuss or debate philosophical ideas using our own perceptions with a thoughtful respect for each opinion instead of me telling her what or how to view a situation, for she has a different personality and different set of spiritual gifts and is old enough to seek the Lord on her own for answers while challenging me in my own views. It's so refreshing to see her tackling issues on her own, seeking the Lord for answers herself instead of letting me define right and wrong for her. Now is the time when she gets to really own her faith, asking the Lord tough questions, seeking His word with prayer for guidance while still feeling the freedom to consult with me. We still set firm boundaries for her, but the more she learns to let God lead her, the safer she will be. And the more she understands for herself why she believes what she believes, having experienced the Lord for herself, the stronger she will be when every media, university, and cultural voice tells her the opposite. The degree to which students are indoctrinated is mind boggling, and I could not believe what I was hearing was true until I tried to have a civil, intellectual conversations with young people over something more removed from us as Brexit, much less heated issues closer to home. They cannot think at all. They can only feel. Logic, reason, critical thinking are all absent from the minds of students coming out of universities today, although they can manage to memorize the insane lists of offensive terms forbidden on campus. Free exchange of ideas is absent on campus anymore. You either say what the regressive liberals want you to say or you shut up and get out. Anyway, I digress....but knowing what my daughter is up against, and how disappointed she will be when she can't have an intellectual thoughtful discussion with anyone her age except those who came from classical schools or strong Christian families, I am relieved to see her engaging her mind and seeking the Lord for wisdom in a world of folly at only 12 years of age. She'll be a force to reckon with when she graduates, I pray.
While my personality profile is strong on critical thinking, fact finding, defending absolute truth, and fighting for justice, she has enough mercy to make up for what is lacking in her mother, father, and brother combined. She is better at empathizing with the feelings of others, so I was curious to hear her definition of love. She quoted 1 Corinthians 13 to me, which is certainly a very good place to start.
" If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)What does love look like for something coming from a secular belief system? If we are to tear down walls of bigotry and hatred, we need to understand each other better. And we especially need to agree on what real love is, or at least understand the different definitions.
I take my definition from John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." Love is sacrifice, and I see Jesus' work on the cross as the greatest picture of love. So for me, love is a daily laying down of one's own comfort and forfeiting one's own desires for the betterment of another. For example, instead of letting my kids watch TV or play computer games all day, we have strict controls over what they watch and how long they watch it. We pay dearly for monitoring systems and sacrifice the convenience of free baby sitting screens provide to keep this limit enforced. We risk losing our kids' favor, and they do get mad at us when we remove screen privileges when they abuse them, but it's for their long term good. If I have a friend who I know is struggling with alcoholism and that friend wants me to join her at the bar to celebrate her birthday, I will recommend another venue (even if I had not chosen for myself to be a teetotaler for my own protection - cue Romans 14- not saying I would impose that man-made rule on anyone else, but I would highly encourage it for anyone with a history of alcoholism or addictive personality). When the time seems right, I would firmly but kindly confront her and help her get professional help. If I see a friend headed down any dangerous path, I will say the hard thing with as much grace as I can muster because I am willing to risk having someone not like me to save that person from destruction.
If I refuse to endorse or approve of someone's behavior, I am in no way suggesting that I think I am any better, nor am I ever implying I do not accept that person who was made in the image of God just like everyone else. I have my own struggles and expect a true friend to boldly confront me, helping me make choices that bring life, healing, and righteousness instead of accepting my poor choices out of a desire to be liked. I don't define people by their behaviors or choices just as I hope others don't define me by my worst behaviors or poorest decisions. According to my understanding of real love, it is terribly selfish to let someone destroy themselves out of fear you may offend them and then they may not like you. Love that approves of what is harmful is not love for anyone but yourself. 1 Corinthians 13:6 does say that love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, so given that fornication of any kind (pre-marital sex, adultery, or homosexualtiy) are clearly and repeatedly labeled as abominations to God, I cannot rejoice over a ruling legalizing gay marriage. But love doesn't boast of being holier than thou or utter rude comments either.
I don't agree with all the choices any of my closest loved ones have made, and I certainly don't approve of the mistakes I've made in the past, but I am not defined by my mistakes, nor do I define others by theirs. I love them regardless. Love, to me, is unconditional, and irrespective of choices, but real love will risk everything (even offending someone) to protect and save the beloved one.
A more prevailing view on love in secular society is that to disapprove of even one behavior or lifestyle is not to love the person at all. That belief was central to the media wars against Chick-fil-a when they stood for traditional marriage. Yet CFA has sacrificed and served the gay community is many ways, like when they fed all the people in line in to give blood to save the victims from the Orlando shooting, to show they still love them, but for those who define love as accepting certain immoral though culturally in vogue behaviors, CFA will always be accused of hatred.
While intending no disrespect toward those who hold a different view of love, I do hope that someday, those who hold a secular view of love can at least understand that our view, while difficult to hear at times, is motivated out of love, or it should be. We mess up and say things we shouldn't when we speak from the flesh instead of being led by the Spirit of God, but I regularly ask myself these questions before I speak out.
Is it better to have lots of friends, having neither offended nor helped anyone, or to have only a few friends after spending your life helping others find spiritual freedom and climb to a better place? What good is it to have 1000 people at my funeral if I reach heaven having never obeyed the last command Jesus gave his followers before His ascension? The Great Commission had to be important if it was the last command Jesus gave making it one they could not forget. He wasn't speaking to an audience of seminary graduates, ordained, and on staff with a megachurch. He was speaking to all his followers then and to you and to me now.
19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20)If I'm not sharing the gospel with others, teaching others His precepts, or helping others grow more mature in their faith for His Glory, then what is the point of my life? If I'm only using my one and only life on earth to make others feel better here without any thought of eternity, then I've squandered my time on earth. If I'm only saying what people want to hear so they will like me instead of saying what they need to hear to point them to Jesus, regardless of what they think of me, then I am only in love with myself. If, however, I am faithful to whatever God has called me to do, and if I maintain an eternal perspective that compels me to lead others to Christ and to His righteousness with a humble, grateful heart and kind words filled with uncompromising truth no matter how they may reject me, persecute me, or isolate me, then I have lived a fruitful life. That's my take on love.
But with so many different love languages and definitions of love, how do we communicate love in a way all will receive it so as to build unity? I don't want to build walls, but I can't let someone destroy themselves either. Throughout my life, I'm sure I've built plenty of walls, but when someone wanted strength and truth, they have come to me. I pray I can also give them kindness and mercy and compassion when they need that as well, but I know I err on the side of proclaiming God's word as absolute truth, and that may sound judgmental. Thankfully the body of Christ is filled with those who overflow with mercy and goodness, gentleness and compassion (my daughter is one). While continuing to do some serious work on my heart in those areas, I trust my almighty God to lead seekers to those in the Body of Christ who can best glorify God in ministering to their point of need.
Here is another passage describing love in action:
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." (Romans 12:9-16)How do I rejoice with those who rejoice if they are rejoicing in wrongdoing? The context is set by the verses preceding it which instruct us to hate what is evil and cling to what is good. Context is important here, and God would never rejoice in evil, so neither must we. But we do need to keep any spiritual pride grounded by bowing at his feet, considering God's holiness compared to our worthless deeds, if we are to love in ways others can receive it.
"The problem with the liberal Christian is that he wants to downplay the existence of evil. Don't ask me to show compassion toward the evildoer if you refuse to acknowledge and condemn the evil. Downplaying evil does not make you my moral superior. It just makes you someone else's naive enabler." (Mike Adams)
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